Many who have served in church ministry have experienced hurt when people they have grown to love leave the church. Pastors and other church leaders are especially affected by this because they have invested so much in these people. This article was originally a written as a social media post to the wives of pastors. However, it applies to everyone.
By Ruthie Sloan Miller
Pastor’s wife, it’s okay if people leave the church your husband pastors
When people leave the church, they hardly every go quietly.
Most of the time, it involves gossip…half-truths…and outright lies.
Stories that paint you, your husband, or your family in a negative light.
Often speaking evil of those in leadership and those closest to the Pastor’s family.
And it hurts…deeply.
Because you didn’t just serve those people…you loved them.
You were vulnerable with them.
You opened your home.
You invested time, prayer, and resources.
You listened through tears over a cup of coffee.
You answered late-night messages.
You prayed for marriages, children, prodigals, finances, and homes.
You stood beside hospital beds.
You sat at funerals.
You poured out…often quietly, often unnoticed.
And then…they leave.
Sometimes over something so small it feels unreal.
And the story they tell never includes the friend you were to them.
The time you led them and their children to Christ for salvation.
The discipleship you taught.
The grace you extended.
The shortcomings you overlooked.
The patience you had.
The encouragement you gave.
The prayers you prayed.
The tears you cried.
How much you genuinely cared.
What hurts even more is that they rarely leave alone.
Misery loves company.
Pain looks for agreement.
So they recruit.
They sow seeds of doubt on their way out in the ears of those who will listen.
They find a new church, a new pastor, a new pastor’s wife.
And they tell their version of the story.
Suspicion is sown.
Poison spreads.
And almost always, you never get to tell your side of the story.
And that’s okay!
You are God’s servant.
He will clear your testimony.
He will vindicate you in His time, if He so chooses.
And the fruit of truth will be seen over time.
So keep showing up.
Keep forgiving…daily, even hourly if necessary.
Keep smiling.
Keep serving.
Keep supporting your husband.
Keep guiding your children towards service.
Keep loving people.
Keep focusing on Christ.
And when the questions come…because they often do:
“Why didn’t I try harder to stop them from leaving?”
“Why didn’t I defend myself?”
“Why didn’t I clear my name?”
Hold onto this truth:
This is not your church.
It’s not your husband’s church.
This is Christ’s church.
Stop replaying the conversations.
Stop wondering what you could have done differently.
Stop carrying guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
You cannot convince someone to stay where they don’t want to be.
If people leave without seeking clarity, they were already looking for an exit.
You don’t have to chase those who truly want to remain.
The truth does not need your defense to survive…it stands on its own.
God is fully capable of protecting His servants.
“Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light.” Psalm 37:5–6
Pastor’s wife, if people leave…forgive them, pray for them, love them, and then let. them. go.
It’s God’s work.
He heard what was said and saw what was done in private that you never heard or saw.
He is protecting His church.
Keep loving those precious people God has brought into your life.
Keep supporting the man God called you to walk beside.
And then…move on with joy!
Forgive.
Rest.
Thrive.
Let God carry what was never meant for you to hold.
Allow these difficult times to help you grow stronger in the Lord.
This brings freedom to continue on with purpose and victory.
And please hear this: you are not failing.
You are doing a wonderful work.
You matter.
Your role matters.
Your service matters, even when it’s behind the scenes or taken for granted.
Pastor’s wife, stay faithful.
You are important.
You are needed.
You are making a difference.
You are deeply loved by God
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.” I Corinthians 15:58